…and the 2011 turtle-wax award goes to…

Ah, my 2nd favorite time of the year, the time for me to hand out fake awards for crappy players and teams and people.

And as always…

These are the awards you DONT want to win…

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The “You dont belong here” award
-Awarded to 1 of the 8 playoff teams that shouldn’t be in the playoffs
(previous winners: 2009 Minnesota Twins, 2010 Texas Rangers)

The Tampa Bay Rays

What? After their miracle comeback of a September, I have the nerve to award them the “underserving playoff team” award? Oh yeah. Lets get one thing strait, the magnitude of how bad these guys can be is clearly overshadowed by the sucking of the Red Sox. The Red Sox had a dismal April? the Rays started a bit worse, going 1-8 out of the gates. And lets not forget how the Rays got into the playoffs, by falling behind the Yankees 7-0 in game #162. They only started comming back after the Yankees sat all their starters and put in the AAA team. Dont get me wrong, they deserve to get in more than Boston, but out of all 8 playoff teams, they deserve to be here the least.

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The “Sucks to be you” award
-Awarded to the team going home with a better record than a playoff team
(previous winners: 2009 Texas Rangers, 2010 San Diego Padres)

The Atlanta Braves

I really does suck to be the Braves. Sure, they choked, bigger than any other team in history before this year, but it gets overshadowed by Bostons even bigger choke. So while the Braves choked, they wont get much sympathy because of Bostons choke. As for the team getting in over Atlanta? The Cardinals. Kinda not fair that the Cards faced the NL Central (Not to mention 6 games against Kansas City) while the Braves played the Phillies more than they wanted to. Have the Cards play the Phils as much as the Braves had to and I guarentee the Braves play in October. Oh well, as the award says, sucks to be you.

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The “Orioles and Blue Jays would rather play in this division” award
-Awarded to the crappiest division in baseball
(previous winners: 2009 AL Central, 2010 AL West)

The American League Central Division: Tigers, Twins, Indians, White Sox, Royals

4 of the 5 of you finished below .500…the NL Central had a shot to win this (half of them had at least 90 losses), but when the Indians lead the division for more than opening week, you know you have a bad division. Justin Verlander wins 24 games? He wouldnt have a shot at that outside the AL Central. In contrast, Sabathia won 19 games having to deal with the AL east. Not saying Verlander shouldnt be Cy Young, but he wouldnt win 24 if not for facing the White Sox so much. Hes 14-1 against his own division, 10-4 against the rest of baseball.

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The “steroid accusation rookie of the year” award
-Awarded to the slugger who is probably gonna get accused of steroids next, if not already
(I am NOT accusing the winner of steroids. I’m just saying he’s probably gonna get scrutinized next)
(previous winners: 2009 Aaron Hill, 2010 Corey Hart)

Jacoby Ellsbury of the Boston Red Sox
2011 HR total: 32
2007-2010 combined: 20

2 full seasons under his belt and neither one had him hit double digets homers. Just sayin…

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The “What the hell happened to you?” award
-Awarded to the team that fell off the map when they were suppose to be contenders
(previous winners: 2009 New York Mets, 2010 Seattle Mariners)

The Cincinnati Reds

You won the NL central just a year ago. Like the Giants, you felt like you didnt need to make many changes to the team in the offseason….and then you never showed up in 2011. With the Cardinals not suppose to be major contenders, you were suppose to walk away with the division…and you didnt. You let the Pirates hang around you through the break and did nothing to fend off the Brewers when they rolled through and never tried after that. Poor effort.

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The “Shut your God damn mouth!” award
-Awarded to whoever apparently talked too much without backing it up
(previous winners: 2009 Chicago Cubs, 2010 MLB Network)

Carlos Zambrano

Ah man, where to begin. If you dont know why he deserves this award, you clearly dont follow baseball.

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The “This years miracle, next years Rays” award
-Awarded to the team that made a suprise playoff run this year, and will fall well short next year
(previous winners: 2009 Colorado Rockies, 2010 Tampa Bay Rays)

Tampa Bay Rays

Seriously? Again? I originally named this for the 2008 Rays because they had no chance for 09…they won it in 2010, and they win it again. The Red Sox choked and thats why they made the playoffs….and the BoSox are the 2nd richest team in baseball so theyll spend the cash to fix whatever went wrong this year. The bargin basement Rays wont compete next year.

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The “This years Nationals, next years miracle” award
-Awarded to the team that sucked this year, but can make a run next year
(previous winners: 2009 and 2010 Chicago White Sox)

The Washington Nationals

Strasburg will be ready for a full season (knock on wood) and a certain other prospect might have a shot to play. Suprise run from DC next year?

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The “AAA team is disguise” award
-Awarded to the team that might have better luck in AAA
(previous winners: 2009 Washington Nationals, 2010 Pittsburgh Pirates)

The Boston Red Sox in September

September. What. The. Hell? The Red Sox sucked so hard, it made history. Anything short of a 173-0 season for a title will pale in comparison to the massive choke job you guys pulled off.

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The “Dull knife in the drawer” award
-Awarded to the biggest mental error this year
(previous winners: 2009 Washington Nati(o)nals, 2010 Barak Obama)

Brian Sabean (GM for the San Francisco Giants)

Sabean will be accepting this award as the poster child for everyone who threatened Scott Cousins. Earlier this season, Cousins collided with Buster Posey at the plate with the game on the line. The collision cost Posey (and as a result, cost the Giants too) the rest of the season. Sabean then went all out over how it was a malicious hit and the death threats followed with it. All over a clean, legal play. Afraid to get dirty? Go play soccer.

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The “Results may vary” award
-Awarded to a player/team that didnt live up to the hype
(previous winner: 2010 Stephen Strasburg)

Carl Crawford

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! *breathes* Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ok…ok….Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ok, seriously…hehe…ok…all that money the Red Sox dropped for him and he goes and has a terrible season. Remember when the Red Sox first signed him and all you Yankee Haters ran to defend him as such a great player while “Jeter sucks“…yeah, how’d that work out? Jeter had another solid year, while Crawford is now the poster child for the Choke Sox!
The best part? When the Orioles won game #162, it was on a base hit to left field, where no one other that Crawford himself missed the play and allowed the hit to drop, losing the game and the entire season for Boston, making their choke official. Ah man, I can’t make this stuff up if I tried…

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The “Joe West level of incompetence” award
-Awarded to the umpire who made the biggest BS call(s) of the year.

Jerry Meals

For the uninitiated, Jerry Meals was the umpire during that 19 inning marathon between the Braves and the Pirates that only ended because Meals blew the call at home. The winning run was called safe when he was really out by a mile. Not only did it cost those poor Pirates the game, but their entire season came crashing down right after. Who knows what wouldve happened if Meals got the call right and if the Pirates went on to win. All we do know is either way, the Braves werent making the postseason anyway.

-2010 awards
-2009 awards